You know how there are those friends that tell you how it is, even if it stings a little and you don’t really want to hear it but you know it’s the truth, anyhow? Hi, I’m that friend and this is the truth… the cold hard truth.

You may have asked yourself: ‘Why am I still single? I have a great job, I’m put together, I’m decent looking.. what am I doing wrong?!’. Here are 10 Harsh Reasons Why You’re Still Single.

1. “I’m Independent…”

‘Independent’, is over-used and off-putting for men. It screams: ‘I want to be alone!’ Let me make this clear: being a set-sufficient woman is amazing, and I firmly believe that all women should be able to take care of their own finances and not rely on anybody else, but here’s where the problem lies;

“I’m an independent woman and I don’t need a man...”

What a man sees here is ‘I don’t need a man’. Here’s the thing ladies, he KNOWS you don’t need him! Unless he’s totally daft, he’s well aware you can do it on your own, but a man falls in love with a woman when he feels like he is needed. Whether it’s emotional support, physical support, opening the pickle jars, or helping you solve a problem- he needs to know that he can take care of you some way or another.
What to say instead: “I’m a self sufficient woman who is seeking a partner to do this thing called life with”. It reads as ‘I can do it on my own but I WANT to do it WITH someone’.

“I’m single because I’m independent and that scares men away…“

No, it doesn’t. In fact, most men want a woman who can take care of themselves. What’s scaring men away is your approach. Any sentence that uses the term ‘scares men away’, is going to do just that, and using negative connotations is giving off a negative vibe.
What he’s hearing is: “I want to be alone and I have no place for you in my life and you’re going to get tired of that and leave me.”
What to say instead: “I have a very active lifestyle but I will make time for the people I care about”

2. “I won’t settle…”

Nor should you, but you don’t have to tell the world. I came across hundreds upon hundreds of ‘I won’t settle’ comments during my online journey through women’s dating sites and forums. The problem with this statement is that it subliminally says “I’m close-minded”, “I’m stubborn”, “I’m uncompromising”, etc. It’s a blanket statement, laced wit cynicism, that tells a man “I’m not willing to try”.
Having standards is sexy, and having men rise to those standards is what will leave you with a good, quality, self-respecting man, however, you’ve got to open yourself up to give him the chance to do so, rather than setting him up for failure before he even gets the opportunity to try.
What to say instead: “I am a quality woman, and I will try…”

3. “I’m too picky”

What he hears: “I’m better than you”.
It’s okay to have a small checklist of things that are uncompromisable to you, whether they be morally or religiously based. For instance, if you want children and they don’t, then you can consider that a deal breaker, or if you’re Catholic and they aren’t religious, and that’s important to you, then you can politely pass, but aside from that, you’ve got to learn to be a little bit more openminded. He may not have that top managerial job you envision yourself being with, but that means he has more free time to spend with you or to go on vacations. Maybe he isn’t the tidiest person, but his chef skills are out of this world, and you can look forward to romantic, home cooked meals. The takeaway from this is to lead with the traits you want, and be open to the rest. You never know, you might be surprised.
What to say instead: “I want a Catholic man who wants children.”

4. “He’s not my type…”

I just love when single people say that, because, really, how’s that working out for you? Sounds harsh, but it’s the truth! Your type, the men you’ve pigeon-holed into a small category of characteristics, whether it be physically, or personality-based, is not working in your favour thus far. It’s time to open up your horizons. Maybe you only date dark haired men, maybe you prefer somebody who’s more of an extrovert, who wants to go out on the town all the time, but what’s going to happen when you’re ready to settle down and have kids and he still wants to go out all the time? People can adapt to different situations and men are no different. Give the blonde introvert a chance. Besides, they’re all going to be bald or grey one day.
What to say instead: Noting. Just go try something new.

5. “I’m single because I want to be”

No you don’t. Yes, there are many women that are choosing to be single, whether they’re just out of a relationship and are taking the time to move on, whether they’re not emotionally available, maybe they’ve just experienced some trauma, and maybe they just plain old want to be. BUT, if you’re here, right now, reading this list about why you’re still single… then deep down you don’t really want to be.
Be honest with yourself, take the time to do the work, and figure out what’s holding you back. Maybe you’ve been cheated on and have trust issues. Maybe you’re scared- and that’s okay. Dating is terrifying, but it’s also exciting, empowering, and quite magical when you find yourself in the arms of somebody you didn’t think could ever exist.
What to say to yourself instead: “I’m single because ________, but I’m going to do the work and open myself up to the possibility of being loved and loving someone back.” You owe it to yourself to try.

6. “I’m focusing on my kids right now…”

Your children’s safety and well-being should always be your top priority, but being a mother doesn’t mean you’re on a lonely island in the middle of the ocean, cut off from all living beings. There is a world where being a parent and dating co-exists. Our job as parents is to raise our children to be functioning adults in society that will eventually go off and start their own families, and then where does that leave you? Single and alone. Disclaimer: If you or your children have recently suffered trauma or there are other circumstances that you need to take care of then that’s an entirely different situation and you should be focusing on that, but if you’re stepping away from dating just because you have kids, then it’s not a good excuse. Yes, you’re a mother, but you’re not JUST a mother. You deserve to have a healthy, adult, loving relationship with someone on an intimate level, and your kids just can’t give that to you. Take it slow, feel it out, and when the time is right to introduce them to your kids, there are hundreds of useful resources out there to help way you through this. Some articles state that you should wait a year or two, and this is the only thing I strongly advise against, as you don’t want to invest that much time into someone only to have your kids hate them, or vice versa, but other than that, the general jist is quite similar. (This advice from Steve Harvey is honest and amazing!)

7. You do this:

This is real, from a real Facebook group, done by a real woman. And it’s really, really all wrong!
First off, when a man calls you beautiful, you say “thank you”. That’s all. You DO NOT try to convince him otherwise.
Secondly, you do NOT go find him on Facebook, since he’s blocked you from the dating app, and then proceed to send him a lengthy letter asking him if he’s a catfish, why you got blocked, or any other b.s excuse you’ve made up in your mind to justify this. This woman states in her message that she’s a confident woman with thick skin, but every thing about this says otherwise. STOP DOING THIS!

What to do instead: Absolutely nothing. You move on, and you don’t look back. You do not need to waste your time in trying to figure out why, who, where, or how, with somebody you haven’t even met. Cut your losses, hold your head up high, and move the eff on. If you’re talking to somebody online and it doesn’t feel right, you just move on.

8. You’re not “whole”.

Jason Mraz said the following and it really stuck with me. He said, “Two halves don’t make a whole. Two wholes make a whole. In my relationship, I was giving myself away to make the relationship better, but in actuality, wasn’t doing better by doing that. I became less of a man.”

If you are not happy with yourself, you will not be happy in a relationship, at least not in the long run. Men can’t “fix” you. You may be temporarily happier, with the endorphins and such, but that will fade and so will your happiness.
If you do not feel “whole” on your own, meaning you feel like you NEED to be with somebody, then you need to take some time and throw yourself into dating- yourself! Take yourself out on dates and bask in your own company, spend some time alone and reacquaint yourself with your thoughts, journal if you need to, meditate, read some self-help books, explore new hobbies, join a club, or consider therapy if you feel you need it. Figure out the steps it’ll take to find inner peace and do the work it takes to realize that you are amazing, you are worthy, you ARE enough, and you deserve to love yourself and be loved.

9. You sleep with him on the first date, or second date… or third.

This one is difficult for women to hear, and I don’t even like to type it out because it is a bit of a double standard. But the cold, hard, truth is that more often than not, if you sleep with him too soon, he’ll lose interest. If you’re just looking for random hook-ups, then grab some condoms and carry on (be safe please!), but if you’re looking for love, then you need to close your legs and make him wait!

Yes, there ARE exceptions, and the ODD love story has started with a one-night-stand, but it is not the average, it’s not even close to the average, even in todays modern dating world, because men are goal oriented creatures.
When a man first meets a woman, his first thought isn’t usually “She’d make a great wife and mother”, it’s “I want to sleep with her”. (DISCLAIMER: I realize not all men think like this, but a lot, more than half, do). When he goes home that night, and he’s realized he’s had a great time, and hasn’t slept with you, he’ll be eager to see you again, to try and reach that goal.
On the second date, while still getting to know you better, he’ll start to notice that you’re actually pretty funny and sweet… but he still wants to sleep with you. If you send him home alone, you’re perpetuating this interest in you.
When you send him on his way the third time around, after he’s seen how much you have in common and how well you get along, his goal starts to shift. You see, the more he gets to know you, the more invested he’s becoming in you, and the more he starts to envision how you could fit into his life… while still wanting to sleep with you, mind you.
Until you are in a committed, or monogamous relationship, you should hold out and make him work for it. You are a beautiful, confident woman, and this is the easiest way to figure out a mans intentions with you. If he’s looking for something serious, he will wait as long as it takes. The eff-boys won’t. Think about it.

10. “I’m waiting for him to find me”

Unless it’s Santa, no man is going to come down your chimney in the middle of the night, give you gifts, and joyfully sweep you off your feet. Do you see the comparison here?! To SANTA?! The moral of the story is, it’s not happening either way. Get yourself out in the world, and open yourself up to it. A close friend of mine met her now-husband at a gas station. She was pumping gas, he made conversation, and when he asked for her number, she gave it to him.

Join some clubs, go to concerts, ask your friends if they know anyone, join singles forums and attend their mixers, but also consider the fact that love can bloom anywhere, and be more approachable. Smile at the cute guy turning over a head of lettuce beside you at the grocery store, make eye contact with the handsome fella in from of you at the bank, and if his ring finger is bare, feel free to strike up a conversation. Stop waiting, and put yourself out there.

Lastly, if you haven’t considered it yet, look into online dating. Over 35 million people in the U.S alone use dating apps. Not sure if it’s for you or where to start? Check out this article: